The Age of Modification

Recent Time Magazine released their Best Inventions of the Year list and their pronounced, "Invention of the Year: The iPhone." After reading the respective articles, I balled myself up in a corner and cried.

The iPhone is an invention? You're joking, right? Sure, it's neat and all. I'm pretty sure you can do nifty things with it. But the iPhone doesn't do what any other personal assistant phones do. It only adds flair with a touch screen. There's nothing innovative or inventive about the iPhone. It is just a modification of a phone. Nothing more, nothing less.

After seeing their pick for the year, I took a gander at the items that didn't win the top spot. There were so many innovative and beautifully inventive items, I was distraught that the iPhone was even considered in the same class as the others.

So I've decided I know what I need to do to become a world famous inventor. I will take a common place item, make it shiner, add lights, a touch screen and flair. And by flair, I mean the outer shell of my product will be designed by a Swedish agronomist designer who has a penchant for curves and a lust for young boys. The inner gears, parts and circuitry will have such a beautiful fluidity in design that I will demand it to be scrapped for cheap parts and labor in China (the parts and labor costs which I will over charge the consumer for).

So, what is the item I'm choosing to pimp?

The spoon.

I mean, think about it. Since the dawn of time, the spoon has always been the same. There are variations of the spoon and the type of material it is made from, but all the basics are still the same. But this is where I'm going to come in. I will make so many inconsequential modifications, that it will be the must have item of 2008. It will be so hot, I will be named the inventor of the year.

Think about it. Layer a white spoon with clear enamel. Make sure there are LED lights on the handle that blink every time you tilt the spoon. Of course the light will turn red if it is submerged in something hot, blue in cool and green if not submerged. There will be an LCD touch screen mounted on the neck of the spoon. For what reason? ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's just there, the consumer will love it.

I will ship my spoon in wacky packaging that my Swedish designer personally made while spooning with his young companion. I will charge the consumer 20 times the cost of R&D, production and shipping.

I will be rich and brilliant.

Time Magazine, where's my award?

Stephen Colbert's Potential Cabinet

Someone emailed me this link: http://www.thatforumplace.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=7889

Reference: http://www.colbert08.org/

For one... I think it's horrible. Secondly, I can do better. To truly parody a parody, you must think like the creature, never emulate the creature.

If the world was lit aflame and Stephen Colbert (comedian, host of "The Colbert Report") wins the United States Presidency, here's his cabinet and why:

Vice-President:

Name: Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

Why?: First of all, this was Colbert's original choice for a running mate. Either Putin or Mike Huckabee. Vladimir is the strong fisted Conservative dictator President of Russia. He harkens back to the old days of the Kremlin and is a former KGB agent. So, why would a Commie be Colbert's top pick? Because every Bush needs his Cheney! Colbert will need a straight shooter who deals in the shadows and secretly runs the country. Who's better than an ultra-Conservative ex-KGB agent?

Department of Agriculture:

Name: The Amish, Simple Folk

Why?: I kid you not. I do not mean one singular person, but rather a whole people. The Amish, with The Mennonites trailing not far behind, would be Colbert's ideal pick to lead the Department of Agriculture. The hard working agrarian culture of the Amish people fits the bill for governing America's farms and cattle. Plus they're religious folk too, a very big plus for the Conservative Colbert.

Department of the Interior:

Name: Ted Allen, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy co-host

Why?: First off, Colbert has let it known that he is not a fan of people of the pretty rainbow persuasion. That said, he'd try and find the "least gay looking gay" to run the Department of the Interior. Not only does Allen have a fantastic decorating sense, he's a snappy dresser and a connoisseur of fine wine. Plus, this appointment will please the liberals.Upon learning what the Department of the Interior truly entails, Colbert will likely exclaim, "What do you mean it has nothing to do with interior decorating!?"

Department of Commerce:

Name: Max, The guy from the Starbucks on Wisconsin St.

Why?: Capitalism, Capitalism, Capitalism. In a world filled with dirty Communists (no offense Vlad), Colbert will need someone to be the face of Capitalism. Sadly, none of the great Capitalists will want anything to do with Colbert. So, the next best thing is Colbert's local Starbucks counter attendant. This guy knows how to handle the big bucks and big coffees real well. If you let your guard down, he may end up selling you not one Mocha-Frap-Grande, but two and one of those extra fatty brownies. Oh that devilish salesman. He would do Colbert proud as the Secretary of Commerce.

Department of Justice:

Name: Joseph Wapner, Former Judge and TV Personality

Why?: BECAUSE HE'S JUDGE JOE FREAKING WAPNER. The original TV judge of the original, "The People's Court." This man knows authority. This man knows law. This man is 89 years old, on his death bed, and is slightly senile. He would follow the fine precedent of the last 10-15 Department of Justice heads.

Department of Defense:

Name: Oliver North, Disgraced U.S. Military officer

Why?: Upon Colbert's first act of office, a micro-nation (preferably no bigger than Grenada) will likely be invaded. Upon finding no oil or weapons of "somewhat considerable destruction," Colbert will need a fall guy. And who's a better fall guy than a guy who already has the "falling" experience?Oliver North has shown he's more than willing to take the bullet for the Presidency (see: Contra Affair), especially when he has little or nothing to do with the controversy. When things turn south in a war, Colbert can always, "Blame Ollie."

Department of Labor:

Name: China, Really big Asian country

Why?: Let's face it. Colbert, as the future President, will face a major labor shortage. Everyone in America will want a white collar job and there will not be enough illegal immigrants to fill in the left over blue collar jobs. So in a huge act of outsourcing, all physical labor intensive jobs will be handed over to China. Such jobs include: Manufacturing, Security, Energy Producing, Farming, Cattle and Herding, and Parenting.

Department of Education:

Name: Stephen Colbert (mispronounced like "sherbet"), TV Personality Alter-Ego

Why?: Stephen Colbert is a man of many hats. Not only is he a television based, "Educator of the People," he's a television based, "Educator of the People, For Kids Too!"Classrooms and teachers will be subsidized. Like good children, all the little ones will be learning from their television sets while watching 24-hour programming of "Uncle Steve and Friends," on the new Government Broadcasting Network. From there, they'll learn important life issues from programs like: Intelligent Design, Science is for Pussies, This Ole House, and Colbert Street.

Department of State:

Name: Condoleezza Rice, Current Secretary of State

Why?: Well... Steve doesn't have too many minority friends. Specifically: He doesn't have any. The ones he used to have were either too offended by whatever off-the-cuff remark he made at a certain time about "homelands" and "where they should go to."He needs at least one minority in his cabinet and Rice seems to be doing a decent job. So why mess with a good thing?

Department of Energy:

Name: Matthew Lesko, Mad man

Why?: Watch this YouTube clip.This man personifies energy. Plus, he knows where all the money is. Renewable energy? Who needs it. He can find all the fossil fuels we need. FOR FREE.

Department of Transportation:

Name: Michael D. Griffin, Current NASA Administrator

Why?: Since becoming the Administrator of NASA, Griffin has instituted several new types of launch vehicles, new shuttle designs, and many other space-go-boom doohickey type things. Some people say it's the NASA engineers who come up with these ideas. Others say it's the private contractors who do the dirty work for NASA.Stephen Colbert would say, "THIS MAN IS A GENIUS."

Sure, a shuttle may have exploded under his watch... but the guy plays with rockets for a living. Come on, you can't tell me you wouldn't kill for a rocket on your car or subway train. He can figure it out.

Department of Health and Human Services:

Name: Nobody, No one in particular

Why?: Under Colbert, this department would be abolished. Being a firm believer in the Bush Family montra, no one should get Government healthcare or services. They should pay for it on their own, like any other hard working American. Why should a man with a $10 million a year income help pay for Pablo and his children's healthcare and garbage pickup when they only make $15k a year? It's their own damn fault they're poor.

Department of Treasury:

Name: Scrooge McDuck (aka- Alan Young), Billionaire Extraordinaire

Why?: Okay, Scrooge McDuck is not a real person. But Alan Young is. Alan Young voiced the character of Scrooge McDuck for the children's cartoon, "Duck Tales." So, obviously, Young can fill the role of McDuck. No one knows for sure how McDuck made all of his money. But everyone knows that he likes to spend his free time swimming in his vaults full of gold coins, never spending a penny of it.The man, pardon me: The duck knows where the money is and he never loses it. This is clearly shown in his exploits in the cartoon documentary Duck Tales. Every single time a villain tries to steal his money, McDuck and his three nephews always gets the money back within 30 minutes (including commercial breaks).

Colbert can trust this duck with our nation's reserves.

Department of Homeland Security:

Name: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governator of California

Why?: This was a tough one. Colbert will likely struggle to choose between Arnold "The Terminator" Schwarzenegger and Sylvester "Rambo" Stalone. But in the end, the man with more political experience will win Colbert's heart and mind.As the Governor of California, Schwarzenegger has been protecting his part of the American border from the dastardly Mexicans to the south, the pithy Oregonians to the north, and the evil dolphins to the west. In what military and security strategists call a "strategy to remember," Schwarzenegger has been credited for setting Southern California fires deliberately in an attempt to smokescreen and LAPD invasion of Baja Mexico.

Department of Veteran Affairs:

Name: Sylvester Stalone, Action Movie Megastar

Why?: America has proven over the last 30 years that we trust the former Hollywood Liberal Elite to eventually become our curmudgeon Former-Hollywood Liberal Elite Ultra Conservative. Sly is one step away from taking this leap.As an actor, Stalone has played several military roles. Well, actually, he's played just one. He's played Rambo. Five times. He also played a cop and judge in the future.But with his acting experience as a soldier of the American military, he definitely has the do-how and know-how to lead our military veterans to a prosperous after-life. I mean, the VA is filled with WWII veterans, right? There's not like there's a bunch of 20-some-things lining up to be VA members these days.

Department of Housing and Urban Development:

Name: Bill Cosby, Lecturer, Comedian, Jello Spokesman

Why?: You know, this joke has already gone too far as it is.

I prefer not to have Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton picket my front door right now.