Reality Check

This is a satire blog. This is clearly stated in the introduction.

None of the views of the authors are to be taken seriously, and when it does seem to be serious, take all views with a grain of salt.

All "facts" are exaggerated, all "truths" are stereotypes and authors' skin is easily 42 inches thick.

Slackers

I'm calling out my fellow "contributors." Post something. I'm getting ready to take my first law school exam, yet here I am. I'm also calling on any reader(s) to post some comments......let's be honest, nobody reads this. So screw you bastards, you can all bite me. For a fee.

Comments: Haha, whoops!

One of our readers has informed us that you have to be registered with Google/Blogger in order to comment on our blog. It kind of defeats the purpose of an open forum doesn't it? :P

You'll mebe glad to know, I've fixed it. You can post comments to your heart's content. Just, please, sign off on your comments. Unless anonymous really is your name. In that case, I am really, really sorry.

Why I won't buy Assassin's Creed

This is in response to an article (http://us.i1.yimg.com/v...8155) listing the top 5 reasons Assassin's Creed is revolutionary and therefore a must-have. If you don't know what Assassin's Creed is, then why are you reading this?

1. Playing a game with three cities: Not new and revolutionary. Remember San Andreas? Now I'm sure the scope of this game will be a bit bigger a.k.a more confusing, and a lot prettier... but it is far from breaking new ground.

2. Acrobatic killing: Prince of Persia, God of War. Again, not new. Maybe a few new tweaks... but not new.

3. Parkour: You've seen the commercials? This is the game's gimmick. Running around rooftops, climbing on everything... it looks awesome, right? How often are you really going to do this, though? Probably all the time for say.... the first 20 minutes you are in each city. After that, you'll get bored. Then you'll try to run from guards when you get caught, and you'll think you're a badass because you can climb walls... until you find out they have guards on the rooftops, too. How do I know this? Because it is a stealth game, escaping capture cannot be as easy as reverting to one of the basic moves in the game. If it is, then this game will especially suck.

4. Probability that you are not really playing in the past: OK. So what?

5. Change in social status during the game: Wow. So new... oh wait. Again, it's not. Fable? KOTOR? Every other freaking game hyping how much "Your every decision affects future gameplay."? Yeah, done that, and probably better than this one will be done.

Conclusion: This game might be cool to rent, but it will lose its shiny gloss pretty quickly. You will spend most of the game walking slowly around cities, trying to avoid detection, getting caught, then hiding in a corner for 45 minutes... This is Ubisoft, people. Remember Splinter Cell? The most aggravating games with the steepest learning curves that we've seen since the Power Glove came out? Nothing about this game is innovative. Expect good reviews from the magazines and websites, though, because like I said, its Ubisoft.

Stupid bigheaded steroid using shame... oh wait, I did that post already. Just remember. Eff Bonds.

The Age of Modification

Recent Time Magazine released their Best Inventions of the Year list and their pronounced, "Invention of the Year: The iPhone." After reading the respective articles, I balled myself up in a corner and cried.

The iPhone is an invention? You're joking, right? Sure, it's neat and all. I'm pretty sure you can do nifty things with it. But the iPhone doesn't do what any other personal assistant phones do. It only adds flair with a touch screen. There's nothing innovative or inventive about the iPhone. It is just a modification of a phone. Nothing more, nothing less.

After seeing their pick for the year, I took a gander at the items that didn't win the top spot. There were so many innovative and beautifully inventive items, I was distraught that the iPhone was even considered in the same class as the others.

So I've decided I know what I need to do to become a world famous inventor. I will take a common place item, make it shiner, add lights, a touch screen and flair. And by flair, I mean the outer shell of my product will be designed by a Swedish agronomist designer who has a penchant for curves and a lust for young boys. The inner gears, parts and circuitry will have such a beautiful fluidity in design that I will demand it to be scrapped for cheap parts and labor in China (the parts and labor costs which I will over charge the consumer for).

So, what is the item I'm choosing to pimp?

The spoon.

I mean, think about it. Since the dawn of time, the spoon has always been the same. There are variations of the spoon and the type of material it is made from, but all the basics are still the same. But this is where I'm going to come in. I will make so many inconsequential modifications, that it will be the must have item of 2008. It will be so hot, I will be named the inventor of the year.

Think about it. Layer a white spoon with clear enamel. Make sure there are LED lights on the handle that blink every time you tilt the spoon. Of course the light will turn red if it is submerged in something hot, blue in cool and green if not submerged. There will be an LCD touch screen mounted on the neck of the spoon. For what reason? ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's just there, the consumer will love it.

I will ship my spoon in wacky packaging that my Swedish designer personally made while spooning with his young companion. I will charge the consumer 20 times the cost of R&D, production and shipping.

I will be rich and brilliant.

Time Magazine, where's my award?

War and Peace

So today I saw a sign. Not one from heaven, just one of your everyday physical apparatuses that tries to convey a message. This one's message, all too common in our modern time, is that "War is not the answer."

Lies.

Name a major world problem that war was not the answer for. Now, don't read this to mean that every war solved a problem, or that every problem has been or is in the process of being solved by war. Just note that of the major world problems that have been solved, the majority, if not all, were solved by war or the imminent threat thereof.

Nazis? War. Worldwide spread of Communism? Threat of war. Any attempts of any power attempting to conquer others? War. A need for the greatest television show of all time? War. (Thank you creators of M*A*S*H for recognizing this problem, even though you and your stars were anti-war.)

What has peace solved? Negotiations with Saddam Hussein..... nothing. Negotiations with Yassir Arafat.... nothing. Appeasing Hitler.... nothing. Nam? Nope. Korea? Nope. Terrorism? Nope. (Look at western Europe for that massively pathetic failure of an attempt.) Again, not to say that the last three have been solved by war, though I believe they could have been, or can be, solved through a properly managed war.... bring back MacArthur, please...

How many evil dictators have been taken down or otherwise had a change of heart by negotiations for peace? None. These guys (Hitler, Hussein, Arafat, Milosevic... and with luck Ahmadinejab and Kim-Jong Il) have to be killed in order for their murderous rule to be stopped. Peace is the goal, not the answer. It would be great if war could be avoided, and if negotiations and sanctions and the UN ever did a single good thing... but it can't and they don't. To believe otherwise is stupid and naive.

So give war a chance.

Barry Bonds

"I will never be in the Hall of Fame. Never," Bonds said. "Barry Bonds will not be there."

"That's my emotions now. That's how I feel now. When I decide to retire five years from now, we'll see where they are at that moment," he added. "We'll see where they are at that time, and maybe I'll reconsider. But it's their position and where their position will be will be the determination of what my decision will be at that time."

For those of you who don't know, Marc Ecko won Bonds' record breaking home run ball in an auction, then put up an online vote about it. He asked baseball fans to vote about what should be done with the ball: A) Give it to the Baseball Hall of Fame untouched. B) Give it to the Hall of Fame branded with an asterisk, implying Bonds used steroids to break the record. C) Blast it off into space.

Yours truly, with many others, voted for option B, and that is what won. When announcements were made that there would be a vote in the first place, Bonds felt the urge to publicly and vehemently insult Ecko, famously calling him an "idiot" repeatedly during an interview. The issue before Cooperstown now looks like this: Take the history making ball, or induct Bonds without it.

Take the ball.

Those who know me personally know of my intense hatred for the man that is Barry Bonds. I hated him long before he broke the record. Before he allegedly used steroids. He is a disgrace. He is not famous. He is infamous. He is a black eye on the game. He does not deserve to be put in the same league as men like Cal Ripken, Jr., Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Jackie Robinson, and so many other class-acts. These were men who loved the game, played their hearts out, sacrificed for it, and adored their fans.

Bonds is not like these men. He has, time and again, spurned his fans, his team, fans of baseball that weren't even his fans, and so forth. He does not play baseball for his team, or for the love of the game. He plays it for Barry. When he hits the long ball, he does not run, as you are taught to do when you're in Little Leagues. No, Barry watches the ball, basks in its glory as it sails... sails... and bounces off the wall. Barry just hit a 395 foot single.

"Giants general manager Brian Sabean reiterated Thursday that the team won't bring back Bonds next season. The seven-time NL MVP, who has spent 15 of his 22 major league seasons in San Francisco, was asked whether he will retire as a Giant. 'Yeah, it's my house. No matter what that's my house, no one's going to take that away, no one ever," Bonds answered. "No one's going to take the love of that city of me away, ever.'"

Read that closely. Bonds does not mention his love for San Francisco. He mentions San Francisco's love for him. Right. They love him so much that they don't want him back. He claims the city that he played the middle part of career for, long as that part may be. What about Pittsburgh, Barry? Remember that city and the water around that ballpark? No. Barry remembers where Barry got his.

Big headed, steroid-using, foul-tempered, sorry excuse for a professional ball player.

Take the ball, Cooperstown. It won't talk back.